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Mr. Maxwell Slappy has an odd and not-to-be believed biography. He claims to be a very old soul (and a very old soul is he), but he has never called for his pipe or anything else, being fully capable of waiting on himself. After serving as the11th Dali Lama, he died. He was reborn in Gary, Indiana, to a circus family. He was an abject failure in the circus, never learning to walk the tight rope as his father had done, and being unable to pass himself off as the bearded lady, which was his mother's profession. He found he could not even eat enough to become the fat man. So he wandered aimlessly through the wilderness in Indiana, eating locusts and honey, finding that it can be more terrible to be alive than dead, just like Charleton Heston in The Ten Commandments. He worked odd jobs, as an organ grinder's monkey and a horse fluffer. One day while working as a street mime, he was hit on the head by a stone thrown by mime-hating radicals, and when he woke up seven years later, he found that he had remarkable powers. He could channel famous dead folks, but not boring regular dead folks like that annoying Long Island Medium lady. He was able to read astrological tables instinctively. He could drink large amounts of whiskey, passing out only occasionally. He began immediately working as a MYSTIC. He went to MYSTIC school on a wrestling scholarship, and was known for his Tasmanian Butt Lock. After years entertaining the Crowned Heads of Europe (see the Wizard of Oz), and after a stint in Vegas, Mr. Slappy was recruited by MYSTIC TRENDS to provide earth-rattling insights, intuitive truths, and common sense plumbing advice to millions, errr, tens of thousands of followers on Twitter.
